I put the title in quotation marks because I am quoting someone else.
Again, an encounter at work has made me reflect on the nature of marriage.
Today a woman, not much older than me, told me "My husband is an idiot."
What incredibly stupid thing could this man have done to warrant such a public insult to a complete stranger? I'LL TELL YOU.
The woman had come to pick her dog up from daycare. I grabbed the makeshift leash and Gentle Leader that the husband had left with us in the morning, and when she saw it she laughed awkwardly - apparently the apparatus was ghetto-rigged in a way I didn't really see, and as she handed me the regular leash she had brought, she said very plainly, "My husband is an idiot." I can only assume he deserved this title because he was unable to find the usual leash this morning. Based on this information, I can also infer that SHE has NEVER misplaced anything.
I'm sure she's not the first to have an idiot husband. From what I understand, they're a rather common household nuisance. So I have lovingly devised three different, but very effective methods for dealing with said problem.
Solution One: BE GONE WITH HIM!
1. GET ANNOYED. Seriously, if you're not annoyed with him at least 3 times each day - constantly is better - this will never work. Whether it's the way he loads the dishwasher, the amount of time he takes getting ready in the morning, or the inescapable stench of his post-workday feet, everything imperfect must bother you to the point where it blocks out any enjoyment of his presence.
2. Let it fester. You must never mention these annoyances to him. If you think of a way he could improve the situation, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Ladies are better seen and not heard anyway, right?
3. Blow off steam by telling your friends, "My husband is an idiot." Vocalization of your frustrations to those outside of your marriage is key.
4. Blow off more steam by telling strangers, "My husband is an idiot." (The subject in question is definitely at this stage, if not beyond. She's progressing very well for one so young!)
5. (you may perform this step anywhere between 3 and, well, now.) Tell your husband, "You're an idiot."
6. Be persistent AND creative in the ways you put him down. Any missed opportunity will become a setback to the ultimate goal. He will probably attempt to defend himself at some point, and the best response you can keep in your arsenal is a simple pat on the head.
7. Try marriage counseling, only if HE wants to, but maintain the knowledge that you're right and he needs to change.
8. Divorce. Counseling can only do so much when you're dealing with idiots.
9. Celebrate your freedom!
Now, if you can make it through all 9 steps, I salute you. It takes a profound lack of compassion, understanding, and flexibility to treat another human being that way. You must have hidden your soul very deep inside of you, indeed! Unfortunately, not everyone is quite that callous; the second option is better for those who prefer to exert far less mental and emotional effort.
Solution Two: COAST.
The only step in this program is to become completely numb. It has sustained many marriages, and is preferred by those who'd rather be buried next to someone they haven't spoken to for the last 30 years.
Now, if you're one of those rare people who isn't satisfied with the outcomes of solutions one OR two - I figure you're about 20% of the married population - keep reading. Solution three requires maturity, reflection, and selflessness. Only the most stout of heart and sound of mind can handle it.
Solution Three: LOVE HIM, ACCEPT HIM, WORK TOGETHER AND GET OVER YOURSELF.
This isn't a step-by-step program, but rather an ongoing state of being. You must overlook those minor annoyances and resist the urge to share whatever problems you're having with the outside world. If you can't talk to HIM about it, you shouldn't be mentioning it to anyone else. He is your best friend, your life partner, the person you should trust above everyone else. Belittling him to others belittles him in your own eyes as well and creates a cycle. He may do things differently than you do, but that doesn't make him wrong or stupid. And think of how miserable you would be if he spent as much of his time picking apart YOUR behavior, or badmouthed you in public.
If you're to the point where small things are setting you off, take a step back. If those nasty thoughts of "he's an idiot" are creeping in, remember this: you didn't MARRY an idiot. Short of some kind of life-altering brain injury, HE hasn't changed (much). Your perception has, and it's entirely up to you to change it back. By all means, please tackle the real issues together - but if your opinion of him is so low that you will disparage him to a stranger, I'd bet money that the majority of the problem lies with you and your thought patterns. Focus on the positive, and if you can't find any, seek help. And never, ever make demands of him that you wouldn't want him to make of you.
Thus concludes the second in a randomly-inspired series of insights from a newlywed. Thank you for reading.
Again, an encounter at work has made me reflect on the nature of marriage.
Today a woman, not much older than me, told me "My husband is an idiot."
What incredibly stupid thing could this man have done to warrant such a public insult to a complete stranger? I'LL TELL YOU.
The woman had come to pick her dog up from daycare. I grabbed the makeshift leash and Gentle Leader that the husband had left with us in the morning, and when she saw it she laughed awkwardly - apparently the apparatus was ghetto-rigged in a way I didn't really see, and as she handed me the regular leash she had brought, she said very plainly, "My husband is an idiot." I can only assume he deserved this title because he was unable to find the usual leash this morning. Based on this information, I can also infer that SHE has NEVER misplaced anything.
I'm sure she's not the first to have an idiot husband. From what I understand, they're a rather common household nuisance. So I have lovingly devised three different, but very effective methods for dealing with said problem.
 |
| This is a stock photo of a couple posing for a stock photo. Her motivation: "He's an idiot." |
Solution One: BE GONE WITH HIM!
1. GET ANNOYED. Seriously, if you're not annoyed with him at least 3 times each day - constantly is better - this will never work. Whether it's the way he loads the dishwasher, the amount of time he takes getting ready in the morning, or the inescapable stench of his post-workday feet, everything imperfect must bother you to the point where it blocks out any enjoyment of his presence.
2. Let it fester. You must never mention these annoyances to him. If you think of a way he could improve the situation, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF. Ladies are better seen and not heard anyway, right?
3. Blow off steam by telling your friends, "My husband is an idiot." Vocalization of your frustrations to those outside of your marriage is key.
4. Blow off more steam by telling strangers, "My husband is an idiot." (The subject in question is definitely at this stage, if not beyond. She's progressing very well for one so young!)
5. (you may perform this step anywhere between 3 and, well, now.) Tell your husband, "You're an idiot."
6. Be persistent AND creative in the ways you put him down. Any missed opportunity will become a setback to the ultimate goal. He will probably attempt to defend himself at some point, and the best response you can keep in your arsenal is a simple pat on the head.
7. Try marriage counseling, only if HE wants to, but maintain the knowledge that you're right and he needs to change.
8. Divorce. Counseling can only do so much when you're dealing with idiots.
9. Celebrate your freedom!
Now, if you can make it through all 9 steps, I salute you. It takes a profound lack of compassion, understanding, and flexibility to treat another human being that way. You must have hidden your soul very deep inside of you, indeed! Unfortunately, not everyone is quite that callous; the second option is better for those who prefer to exert far less mental and emotional effort.
Solution Two: COAST.
The only step in this program is to become completely numb. It has sustained many marriages, and is preferred by those who'd rather be buried next to someone they haven't spoken to for the last 30 years.
 |
| This is a stock photo of a happy couple, because most real couples don't know what it looks like. |
Now, if you're one of those rare people who isn't satisfied with the outcomes of solutions one OR two - I figure you're about 20% of the married population - keep reading. Solution three requires maturity, reflection, and selflessness. Only the most stout of heart and sound of mind can handle it.
Solution Three: LOVE HIM, ACCEPT HIM, WORK TOGETHER AND GET OVER YOURSELF.
This isn't a step-by-step program, but rather an ongoing state of being. You must overlook those minor annoyances and resist the urge to share whatever problems you're having with the outside world. If you can't talk to HIM about it, you shouldn't be mentioning it to anyone else. He is your best friend, your life partner, the person you should trust above everyone else. Belittling him to others belittles him in your own eyes as well and creates a cycle. He may do things differently than you do, but that doesn't make him wrong or stupid. And think of how miserable you would be if he spent as much of his time picking apart YOUR behavior, or badmouthed you in public.
If you're to the point where small things are setting you off, take a step back. If those nasty thoughts of "he's an idiot" are creeping in, remember this: you didn't MARRY an idiot. Short of some kind of life-altering brain injury, HE hasn't changed (much). Your perception has, and it's entirely up to you to change it back. By all means, please tackle the real issues together - but if your opinion of him is so low that you will disparage him to a stranger, I'd bet money that the majority of the problem lies with you and your thought patterns. Focus on the positive, and if you can't find any, seek help. And never, ever make demands of him that you wouldn't want him to make of you.
Thus concludes the second in a randomly-inspired series of insights from a newlywed. Thank you for reading.
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